Concert preparations

It is somewhat of a pressure working with other good choirs from other parishes, as they seem to be confident and know their parts for the combined pieces, especially Rise Up Shepherd. I can take the easy way out and rely on them to lead me through the piece but that is not befitting my seniority in my choir. I need to know my parts, as my juniors and SL expect me to. I need to know them, as I myself expect myself to.

I must work on the pieces I am weak at, especially Gaude Maria. From technical knowledge, I need to progress to spiritual knowledge of the pieces; how they should be sung based on the meaning of the lyrics. I remember how Ave Maria should be sung based on previous small group sessions but once I am with the big group, I give in to peer pressure and don't carry out what I'd been taught. This is a problem of low self-confidence.

I feel that sometimes we tend to forget that our voices are gifts from God. The talent we have is not acquired through training or practice. Human egotism tends to block this truth out.

I sense some rivalry and self-esteem issues on an internal level. It is quite sad that this phenomenon is occurring again each time we have combined performances with other parishes. I witnessed it before and now it is happening right before my eyes again.

The song Heart of Worship resounds through my mind again, though I've used it in a previous entry in another blog. Still, it expresses how I feel about our perception towards our talent. I really don't know if we realise how we are letting Him down by this human pride.

When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus

Satisfied yearn

I received a call and was assured that my circumstances prevented me from being asked to sing for weddings. I was on normal ground again. I was happy to receive the call and I'm back on track to singing for them again. Things are falling into place. :)

Yearn

I miss singing for weddings and I haven't been chosen to sing for any for a long time. I hope I get the chance again but by God's will. If it's for personal glory though, I know I shouldn't get it.

Sometimes I do feel a little left out when others are included in them but I guess they are better singers than me and definitely less timid.

Sweet harmonies amidst a deary silence

I was on the way to church the next day and passed 2 men singing for their income. They put a smile on my face because they sang religious songs which are my favourite genre of music. Yes, they sang in tune as well! This prepared me for the prayer service I was going to as well as made my journey more enjoyable in the morning silence. :)

I gave a dollar to one of them who was blind. I told him his singing was inspiring, for lack of a better word then. He asked which church I go to and whether he could hold my hands. That was his way of thanking me. I'm glad I made his day. :)

New and yet old responsibilities

I received two pieces of news that required me to take on responsible roles in both cases. It is the first one that I have to work more on. I'm asked to sing for a baptism service besides the two weddings I already have to sing for. For that service, I have to sing Schubert's Ave Maria as a solo. It is a heavy classical piece and I don't exactly have the best voice. I guess I'm approached only because my job's flexible enough to accommodate it.

Nonetheless (pause) I will try my very best to learn it and bring it out with my own flavour. I think trying to sound like others will only place pressure on myself and affect what I can produce. Every singer's diff but special in his (generic term) own way.

I am capable of it but scared and pessimistic. I must overcome this psychological barrier, especially on the day itself. The last time I heard someone sing Ave Maria solo, she was cool and confident though she was out of tune. I think it's worse to be conscious of the mistakes one makes while singing than to act as if they weren't there at all. People may think they were part of a different version of the song. Hehe.

I'm listening to the melody and printed out the lyrics. I try to sing it on my own and have even printed out the English translation so that in understanding what the lyrics mean, I can sing it better to the point of praying it. Of course, I've sought help from the organist accompanying me during the service too. We're going to practise it together, since it is in 2 weeks time.

Tiff was sweet enough to offer to sing it with me but I know I cannot depend on others to boost my courage and confidence. I must try to do it on my own. I'm not exactly a young girl. I know though that I must listen to the music and not just sing. I must sing in time to it. Wish me luck!

The second responsibility is to be part of a working committee for a church musical to be performed in public. The logistics team would be another name for it, I reckon. I'm not exactly very good in this area but I guess the tasks allocated to me will be catered to my capabilities. I am appreciative of being picked as one of the members since it indicates that I am responsible, capable and reliant in completing tasks assigned to me.

My initial reaction was one of dread but I told myself the above and I'm more fine with it now. Still, I can't let this get to my head, bordering on arrogance. At every moment, I must remember I'm God's instrument and my talents are from Him.

I've not sung for weddings for a very long time now since I started working. So now I'm going back to what I had left to others and moving on to new things like baptism services and singing a classical piece SOLO. I used to be more involved in choir before I went away for a while. Now it seems like I'm getting back to that same level. Oh well.

I can't control circumstances but I can control my reactions to them. I remember a friend telling me that it seemed new responsibilities had been given to me and my talents were enhanced many years back when the same thing happened to me. I guess this truth has surfaced again. Let's see how life turns out for me with time. It is interesting with these new projects but yet challenging.

My musical endeavours

As I had mentioned, I have to sing for 3 special occasions. I went for practice with the organist just now. Since I had listened to Schubert's Ave Maria countless times on my own, I was able to sing it. I was singing using my musical instinct acquired from being in the church choir while the organist was playing the chords. That was a job done well, according to her. So I should be ready to sing it on the actual day. Thankfully too, it is just one verse because the second verse isn't as easy to learn.

We also practised the other hymns like Morning Has Broken and the responsorial psalms. We sorted out the other details pertaining to these services as well. In the midst of it all, I was aware even more of my pitch problem. I know I've always had it but in terms of singing notes accurately, the inaccuracy degree wasn't that bad and I managed to get them eventually. I didn't know how bad it was till this practice.

I had to sing a song to her while she wrote the score accordingly. What I knew in my head was not sung out exactly, so when she played it on the organ, it didn't sound like what was in my head. It was frustrating for us so I suggested that she listen to the CD I have. My pitch and rhythm wasn't fixed and I would change them with each attempt. She told me I have the voice to sing but it's my pitch and rhythm that hinder my full singing production. Darn it! I'll listen to the CD just like how I did for Schubert's piece.

This problem's hereditary though my mum's is worse. However I don't see a point in blaming her or getting angry with her. I think I should solve it. This will affect my learning of music in choir as well as for services. She offered to teach me to read notes and told me to get a keyboard so I could play out the notes. I think I should set out to do so. My hearing problem, or pitch problem rather, causes me to sound sharp, flat or even out of tune as a result. What is more, I'm a blaster so one can tell that I'm the one with the problem. I must listen and pray more!!

Comaraderie

My allowance for a second chance has exposed me to the revelries of comaraderie domestically and collectively. When the situation permits, there is light bantering and humour interposed in work, though this is a rarity to be treasured. The sad thing about it is that it can be achieved only with exclusivity trained and used to seriousness and focus. When doors are open to facilitate increase in numbers and activity, new elements can't blend in but yet they can't be extricated for fear of emotional insensitivity. Sigh, oh well.

A Musical Experience

I mentioned having to sing Schubert's Ave Maria for a solo in one of my earlier entries. Thank goodness it was only a verse because I have difficulty mastering the second one. Anyway, I think prayer and trust in God really helped.

My earlier song was also pretty ok and in fact, I was not even nervous, comparably. The only thing was whether I could be heard through the mike. I paid attention to my notes, especially the high ones. Though there was an additional hymn at the very last minute, it was something I was familiar with and the high notes were reached pretty ok.

Before the solo, my heart wasn't even beating fast, as it'll normally do. I was pretty ok and though I couldn't hold a few notes, it was rather fine. There were basically praises from the listeners but all credit goes to my God. He caused me to find my voice again, one which has been missing for a very long time. Instead of the round and heavy tone I have, it was operatic, befitting the solo piece.

Then I went for a keyboard demo and it was really fun playing with the buttons and trying out the various sounds. I should be buying this particular model. I love the functions provided and it's cheaper than the first model I came across. It teaches me how to play and I can self-learn as a result. I really love the piano sound, especially when it is played by a friend of mine. So when I learn to play, I'll probably use that sound.

Choir retreat leading up to performances for Christmas

I went for a retreat in order to prepare spiritually for the upcoming performances. Our aim is to touch people with our music, as we are a church choir. For that, we need to go back to the source of our being, the one who gifts us, our God.

I learnt certain things about myself, on a positive and negative basis but most importantly, I now know how high God is ranked in my life. This was also a time when I saw His spirit so clearly and powerfully at work. I give praise to Him for that. I also got to bond with my section members and to give with love for others' needs. I was allowed to see how blessed I am to be in such a section.

As the days led up to the actual performances, my stress and tolerance levels increased as well. I screamed twice at my section members for their lack in certain areas and I broke down really badly at not being able to catch up with the rest. However, God sent His angels to help and guide me. Thank you Lord.

We carolled in public for the first time at Paragon. We did it twice over a weekend and praise God, people were already impressed by our sound tests as well as donated generously to the charity we were raising funds for. We also had a concert-cum-musical. The audience were more appreciative of the musical though, probably due to its fast-moving nature. However, God created a miracle for the concert. My section was not confident at all of getting through one of the pieces in all the right ways. We were still practising minutes before. When we did it, we were ecstatic.

An embarrassing thing happened to me during the musical, again. I could not find my brooch to fasten my kebaya and had to go onstage with the flaps hanging loose and exposing my camisole. Thankfully I found it before the next scene and could go back onstage with a dignified feeling.

We had carolling at one of the aunties' house too. I took the opportunity to reward my section for their efforts and their wonderful job at the concert. We also sang one of my favourite performance piece In Love He Came. It's a very nostalgic piece as it reminds me of the many years I've been in this choir and the many friends I've seen grow up in there, especially one of them who was leaving on Christmas Day for an overseas exchange programme.

The Christmas season culminated in Midnight Mass on the Eve. Unfortunately, we spoiled it for the congregation with our out-of-pitch and -tune singing, which is a no-no for our choir. Our conductor was just being nice by attributing it to exhaustion. Perhaps we were due to the busy period earlier on but that is still not an excuse. We have never sung so badly for Midnight Mass before! Of course it was devoid of spirituality as a result. Thankfully, we did not spoil the Thanksgiving Mass for the New Year in the same way. Phew. We in turn, got a comment that our chant sounded like the way the European boys' choirs sang it and that was only for the girls! All glory to God!

Intensity towards praising

My asthmatic condition has not diminished my passion for singing to God, even if I have to put in more effort to do so. I still gave my all at mass even though it frustrates me to see that those who are well sing softer than I do, if they actually sing! God has blessed me with this gift of voice and I've developed it with the help of my conductor. Somehow, I can still sing well, even with a bad throat or in this condition. All glory to Him! I've reached a point where I'm ready to die as I sing to Him with my last breath. That gives me sheer joy and awe.

United in duty

My church choir was involved in a project and we had to learn a piece that's important on a major level. I'm thankful for the noticeable teamwork my section displayed, the patience shown in working things out and the uniform result that ensued. Every member played a part and made a difference in my section. I'm indescribably grateful to God, the source of all good things, for them.

Easter season

Most of the time, I sing for the Easter Vigil mass as part of my church choir but this year, we did not. It taught me to treasure what I have at the very moment for it may not last forever. It is a privilege for us to be able to sing for the Easter Vigil but it took this deprivation to learn it. Oh well, the hard way is usually the more effective way to learn something. To our critics, lo and behold.

In light of being part of the congregation for a change, I found myself having problems focusing and trying to focus during the mass. I guess having to discipline myself when singing at mass helps A LOT in focusing. So technical emphasis DOES lead to spiritual focus at mass, to our critics out there. I did dispute this statement before but my return served to only make this long dominant truth more apparent to me. I learnt it through hands-on experience for the second time round and my eyes as well as heart were opened. Period.

Diplomatic dinner performance

This was our choir's major highlight since the start of 2006 and we pulled it off. No, I don't mean to say that we faked our performance, to all my fellow members out there. I really mean to say that we sounded superb only because of our age range. If we are an adult choir, we won't impress so much because it will be expected of us. We definitely did put in effort and sang till our throats and hearts were sore.

I do feel proud of the accolades and praise we received but again, all glory is given back to God. He humbled us in such gratitude for the trust given unto us. Our soloist who was too excessively pressurized by inevitable comparison and reputation, was superb also because of God's spirit guiding her through and extolling her given talent for His glory. I personally, got about 95% of my choreography accurate, a far cry from earlier performances and finally got the Jubilate Deo Jacob 100% correct. Yeh!

God also blessed us with strength and health for the long preparation period before the actual performance. The girls were still standing after such a long time, with the exception of myself. My gastric had relapsed but I had food to cure it. The NS guys were allowed to book out from the army as well and there was backup for an unexpected arrival. Even my fellow member whose flight was delayed managed to come on time to change and she was blessed with physical as well as mental sustenance throughout the event. If not for God, where would we have been?

Though we were exhausted after the event and even for the next day, we had happy hearts as we sang When You Believe as our closing prayer. Yes indeed, there can be miracles!

I have another song in mind to sum up my feelings about the event. It is entitled 'My Tribute' and the lyrics are as follows:

How can I say thanks for the things You have done for me
Things so undeserved yet You give to prove Your love for me
The voices of a million angels could not express my gratitude
All that I am and ever hope to be I owe it all to You.

To God be the glory (x3)
For the things He has done
With His love He has saved me
With His power He has raised me
To God be the glory for the things He has done.

Singing motivation

I had a different singing partner today and I was a little apprehensive, as I've never really sung with her before. My usual partner was on retreat. I prayed that everything would be smooth between us and it was.

When I was singing, I pulled back in terms of volume and intensity in case she wasn't used to it. However, I was spurred on by my other usual partner whose committed spirit caused me to cast all qualms aside to sing as per usual. He was an inspiration and it taught me that we do make a difference to others even if we do what comes naturally to us. Thanks again, Sherman.:)

Phobias

It was sparked off when my conductor from church choir told me I should have sung a psalm for the Easter Vigil. I had a heart-to-heart talk with him on my phobias about it and he understood.

Choir workshop with Joseph Macallister

We had a master class with this renowned American conductor on Labour Day and the reaps were rewarding. We started off with a buffet lunch and I helped to take food for him. It was a little daunting because I had to make sure the food presentation wasn't messy and intermingled.

We then started our class proper. He gave us pointers on 3 pieces: Ave Verum Corpus by Mozart, Gradual by Bruckner and O Lord What A Morning by Burleigh. We learnt how to apply different sets of dynamics as well as rhythm to them and the pieces became new again to us as a result. As an alto, I was proud when he praised our voice quality but our choir is truly blessed by our God and He gets the glory.

It was a tiring session because we sang with intensity and technicality. Singing is really an art that simultaneously engages the use of the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual senses, of which the last is more for religious settings. Still, I was glad for this opportunity and I look forward to the next one on 12th May with Jonathan Valasco from Philippines, where we will present 4 pieces: Exultate Justi by Viadana, Benedictus by Monteverdi, Gradual by Bruckner and Hear My Prayer O Lord by Purcell. Valasco incidently was one of the judges for our 2003 Genting competition.

Choir workshop with Jonathan Valasco

We had the workshop with Jonathan Valasco but he decided to come earlier in order to hear us at mass. Then we proceeded for dinner and thereafter started our workshop with him. I was privileged to stand next to my SL. It's inspiring and motivating singing with Tiff. Actually, I attempted to stand next to her because I wasn't sure of one piece. *blush*

We sang Benedictus first and he corrected us on our accents and pronounciation of the words. We learnt a little of the Italian accent and it was rather fun actually. Then we sang Exultate Justi and Exultate Deo. Again, we Altos were focused on more than on others, in my view. He said our part for Alleluia is low for our voice range but we don't find it so, probably because we're used to it and we just take whatever part is given to us, since we know that Altos get atonal parts. He encouraged us to sing louder and not let ourselves be "under the skirts of the Sops". What a funny guy!

Due to lack of time, he couldn't go through the pieces in detail but he taught us to be more relaxed. He also taught us some singing techniques and to use the talents God has given to us. A man after my own heart! Our last piece was Hear My Prayer. I was a little apprehensive about it because I didn't have another senior to support me in my part. He told us that we tend to go out of timing when singing quavers. I thought we are supposed to sing it faster than other notes but he taught us to sing them slower.

We ended off with Irish Blessing, like we did for our last workshop. This song is very special to me because it reminds me of a Filipino choir we hosted and how we learnt this song together. I'm also reminded of our former priest Father John whom we sang this for as well as a dear friend of mine. The chorus is especially poignant to me. I think God made used of our voices to touch Jonathan Valasco. I thought I saw him wipe a tear from his eye.

[And until we meet again,
may God hold you in the palm of His hand.]

Mass reflections

I was not really in the state of mind to praise God at mass but the psalmist Theodore made it clear to me through his sound and spirit during the psalm, that God's to be praised at ALL times, regardless of our human state. It was a source of strength and focus for me.

Also, I was asked to take the mike at the back on another occasion and it was my first time doing so. I was worried that I'd be the only one there singing loudly but God provided 2 'angels' to sing loudly with me. It gave me a boost of courage and support to do so. Also, they challenged me and stretched my ability in terms of singing volume. It was trying and I over-exerted myself but I'm grateful for the challenge. Thank you, Theodore and Gabriel. Theodore too, set an example by singing his 100% despite his sickness.

To God be the glory

I was due to sing for another wedding mass and the over-exertion from the day before on my voice was an unnerving factor. I drank a herbal drink to soothe it and did a half hour of prayer before the mass. I used Hillsongs to prepare and still my heart for my job. I also practised the songs for the wedding mass.

The hillsong videos on Youtube I had watched earlier were a major boost of self-confidence during the mass. The way Darlene Zschech sings on her videos was a source of inspiration for me while singing. She really worships our Lord as she sings rather than focus on the audience or on how she presents herself. In turn, I tried to focus more on my music and its meaning. It did show in the volume and conviction of my voice.

I also had in mind that my best would be better because God was guiding me through. At the same time, He guided me with His spirit to work within comfortable boundaries of pitch range instead of stretching myself. Though I usually sing a higher range, I declined it then instead of trying to show that I could. Due to God's leading, I think I sounded better as a result.

I give the credit back to God because He gave me this gift of voice. In fact, even my organist told me I'm gifted and asked me to go for voice lessons. I've contemplated it. We'll see how things go.

June choir retreat

This was a very different retreat in various ways. My roommates were different and I got to sleep on the bed this time round. The content of the sessions was more contemplative. The atmosphere was more relaxed.

It was held at Aloha Changi Resorts. The bungalow however, did not have a high standard of hygiene. Unwanted pests came to visit the place. I had to clear cockroaches and millipedes on the floor. Still, I guess this only served to make the retreat more worthwhile. We were there to work on our spirituality, not to have a holiday.

We played games as well. There was a card game named Murderer. It was an immensely popular game, to the extent that we played it past lights-out time and even after the retreat had ended. We also played Captain's Ball and I sustained a rather serious wound in the process of trying to get the ball. I wanted to contribute to my team's victory. It was a cut and a bruise on the knee. The latter was worse. It took a week to completely heal. I think it was worth suffering because it was evidence that I did help my team to my utmost. Maybe I'm getting old though. Haha. I wasn't the only girl who sustained wounds too.

I was heartened when the incident happened. I experienced the care of the people around me. It was a reciprocal process. I was stunned when I fell but I wanted the game to continue and told them I was all right. Our two captains were good. They are basketballers and could catch the ball with one hand outstretched behind them.

Our meals were provided for by kind sponsors. For me, the highlight was yummy and healthy sandwiches for breakfast. There were mango and kiwi fruit in them. I had never eaten such extravagant sandwiches before. It was as if they had been custom-made for us.

Back to singing for weddings

I'm now able to go back to singing for wedding masses or services on Saturdays. I was asked to sing for one yesterday. The strange thing about it was that I was calm within. My heart didn't beat as wildly as it usually did for the ones before. It was a sign that God wanted me to sing for it. I had prayed that if it's His will for me to sing for it, it'd be given to me, as I am not the only singer and the others have better voices than I have.

Even when there was a hiccup before the mass, I was still calm when I'd be as worried as my organist, for the earlier ones. Yes, I did make mistakes and my voice wasn't perfect but God gave me a heart of His peace. :) Also, I didn't trip while going up to sing the psalm, as I had once before. To God be the glory!

I've had more time and opportunities for serving at church weddings. God hasn't stopped leading me and has blessed me abundantly as well. Now I'm able to listen more to the music and to better sing to it too.

It was inspiring working with my organist at the last wedding. It was a joyful experience too.

A switch to the original position and back again

I am well enough to go back to my position in front at mass. I had been contemplating it for some time but did not get a sign from God. At the beginning of November, I had a strong feeling that I could. It was not one that came from my own desire. I prayed that He would work through my conductor. In other words, if I was not allowed to, it wasn't God's will.

I was allowed to. I was overwhelmed when the Gospel gave a second affirmation through the story on Zachaeus. He was a short man who could not see Jesus from behind and had to climb a tree. I had the same problem when I stood at the back, due to my height. I had to rely on my listening skills then. I was always fearful that I was not blending in with the choir as a result.

There were benefits though. I was inspired to sing by 2 tenors Benny and Theodore. I had the opportunity to sing with different partners within the same section and otherwise. I learnt to blend in with them by adjusting my volume and listening more. The younger members humbled me. I learnt not to underestimate their abilities and growth. The people with me were very accommodating to me due to my leg problem, especially Jacinta. Thank you, all of you!

Now that I'm back in the front, I find that I can project my voice more and I feel less physically stifled, as there's no one in front of me. Of course, I can see my conductor but have to learn to focus on his indications without compromising on my listening skill. Still, it is a breath of fresh air.

I continue to feel humbled. Without God's mercy, I could not have gone back to the front. I am now more open to singing with different partners from other sections due to having stood behind earlier. I definitely look forward to singing with my usual partner Cheryl once again. It's great doing so because we motivate each other to continue giving our best despite our moods. :) Oh, she doesn't know I'm back in front because she wasn't at mass that day. I hope she gets a surprise this Saturday. :)

Ok, I'm back to where I was. I understand the reason from a musical viewpoint. Cheryl and I blast into the microphone and this sticks out when the whole choir sings. So it's better for both of us to be apart and be placed with other people. At the same time, it is a source of humility for me and perhaps my time with her is up. God had intended for me to give her motivation and encouragement only for that period of time.